When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
