Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
