I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
