Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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