I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
