I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
