I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
