Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
