you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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