Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
