He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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