i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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