I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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