I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
