You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
