Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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