So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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