Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
