just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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