i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
