You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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