last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
