dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Let's get the cat blown out
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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