I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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