mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
