Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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