My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
