Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize