meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
tell me about the fingering
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