My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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