I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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