He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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