i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
