I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
