i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
