So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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