On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
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You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
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multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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