Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
