whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
