You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
