Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
