Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
