she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
pray to the hookup gods
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
