so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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