Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
