my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
