So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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