I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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