did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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