I wish I could punch you in the face.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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