Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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