My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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