rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
