the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
