wanna go halves on a baby?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
