i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
