You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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