I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
