If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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